Kenny, this is not amateur hour.
My show is already suffering enough just losing Roz
I will not let you replace her with a complete novice
Come on, don't you remember
when you were a young whippersnapper
with nothing but a pantload of talent
and a head full of dreams?
Are we still talking about Noel?
Five seconds to launch, Dr. Crane.
Yeah.
Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Before we get to our first call, I'd like to remind you
that we are losing our beloved producer, Roz Doyle,
in a couple of weeks to another career opportunity.
That's KPXY, The Mighty Pixy .
Seattle's more exciting talk. Whoo-hoo!
In the meantime, we have with us today Noel Shempsky,
a KACL employee whose sole qualification for this job
seems to be that he's never taken a sick day.
Good afternoon, listeners near and stars away.
Our first query comes from a Class M planet we call Earth
and appears to be personal in nature.
Oh, and his name is Glen.
Go ahead, Glen, I'm listening.
Okay, Noel, that was good.
But you need to tell Frasier the name of the caller,
the town they're calling from and why they're calling.
Okay.
You know, maybe I would learn more
if you sat down behind me and guided my hands,
like they did in Ghost.
Oh! Noel!
Oh, hi, Julia.
Do you mind?
I'm trying to show Noel what I do.
Is that why he's on his knees?
Get up.
Let me give you some pointers on call screening.
Your first priority are your leapers and jumpers.
Next up, angry people.
They're great energy and a welcome change
from our largest group, the sad sacks.
The trick of it is you want to arrange all of these calls
so that each segment is "can't miss" radio.
But I thought it was just about
Frasier doing good work.
Please! It's all about ratings.
If the station had its way,
every call would end in an auto-erotic suicide.
Thank you, Roz.
Now that Seattle knows how we do things around here,
perhaps you could let Noel know
to keep his elbow off the mic button.
we'll do paper work together?
(flat): Yeah, it's really sad.
What exactly is the new job, Roz?
Program director.
Now that's a job.
Let me give you a little piece of advice.
Less smut and more older-people shows.
Yeah, I know, Martin,
but that's not exactly what they're going for.
Well, why not?
You could have a show about owning dogs.
Or how about this?
A show where people just call in with jokes they've heard
That'd be a riot.
I think they're looking for a wider audience
than just you, Dad.
Lots of people would be interested
in that sort of thing.
Yeah, but the advertisers are looking for the young dollars.
What's wrong with my money?
You don't spend it all on fast food and beer.
Yes, I do.
You know, I'’m tired of society blowing me off
just because I'm a senior citizen.
You know, one day we're gonna rise
and take this country back from you young smart alecks.
And it won't be pretty either.
I could mention the joke idea to my boss.
You just bought yourself a little more time.
Well, here it is, Roz,
the final parking requisition form.
The end of an era.
Listen, I know that Kenny is giving you a going away party
but I wanted to have a little celebratory dinner,
just the two of us, all right?
Any night you're free.
Well, Niles and Daphne are watching Alice.
How about tonight?
Well, actually, I'm meeting Julia later.
Why would you want to do that?
Well, we've sort of been seeing each other lately.
You and Julia?
She's a total bitch.
Now, Roz, if you took the time to get to know her,
you'd see that she's really not such a bad person.
Like get to know her naked, you mean.
No.
I think she's been misjudged.
Sure, she has a lot of walls up,
but, I mean, there must be something good inside
if it needs that much protection.
Yeah, well, there are walls around prisons, too.
Yes. Fine.
Your opinion has been noted.
There are walls around insane asylums, cholera wards...
Thank you, Roz. nuclear facilities, gator farms...
All right, shut up.
Got you!
Oh.
Now you chase me.
(anguished laughter): Oh...
No, I think it's Daphne's turn.
Oh, no, I just had four turns in a row.
But you know who does want a turn?
The TV.
There you go. Your video's all cued up
(sighs)
Should we really be plopping her
in front of the tube?
It's an educational tape
Did you want to read her more Jung for Jungsters?
She doesn't seem to respond to it.
Perhaps that's a treat we'll save for our own child
When will that be?
When are we going to have a child of our own?
Oh, I don't know, when we're ready.
Yes, we always say that,
but how will we know Yes, when we're ready?
I mean, if it were just me, I'm ready right now.
Really?
I just don't feel like we're quite there yet.
What has to change?
What's this little brat doing here?
Make sure it don't make any noise.
I'm resting.
Maybe it's my biorhythms.
Daphne, might it have something to do with
your mother living with us? (toy squeaks)
Well, I've always thought in the back of my head
that we'd start a family after she left.
Well, but that doesn't have to stop us
from getting pregnant.
And once we are, we've got nine months
to get her out of the house.
Are you kidding?
If she found out there was a grandchild on the way,
she'd never leave.
And I don't think I could take Mum
and morning sickness at the same time.
Well, on the other hand,
a grandmother can be a wonderful influence on a child.
Alice...
you help Auntie Gert find her cigarettes,
and you can have one.
(clinking glass)
I think now would be a good time if anyone wants to stand up,
say a few words to Roz.
I know I'll miss her.
Which is why I'm proud to present her with...
this picture of the two of us at the last company picnic.
Won't that baby look nice in a frame?
Yeah. Enjoy.
I'm next.
"Sweetest Roz, you are my ship when I'm at sea,
"my fairest rose, my fantasy.
"With each sunrise, my thanks I send
for you, my love, my true best friend."
Aw, that's...
Puke!
That was beautiful, you son of a b.
Okay, every...
Sit down.
Sit down, Noel. Sit down.
Okay, everybody, Bulldog to the rescue.
Now...
I don't want to say Roz has had a lot of sex,
but she's spent more time on her back than King Tut.
Did you hear the story about the guy at KACL
who didn'thave sex with Roz?
Me neither.
But, uh, seriously--
What's the difference between Roz and a dog in heat?
No, really, I'm asking.
You people suck!
It's not a roast, Bulldog.
It's not?
I paid a guy at the Chuckle Factory
50 bucks to write jokes for me.
When's he getting here?
Okay, okay... you want a speech?
Best of luck in your new job, Roz.
If you're ever need a sports guy,
I'm your man.
And I wouldn't have any problem with you being my boss.
After all, I know what it feels like
to be underneath you, am I right?
Watch what you say about her!
FRASIER: Noel, Bulldog, come on!
Walk it off, Noel. Walk it off. Go on.
Careful, gents
Really, the way you two are always carrying on,
people are going to start talking.
Hello, all.
Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle.
Hear, hear.
A wonderful co-worker and a good friend.
Hear, hear. Hear, hear.
Of course, I, too,
noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately
She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral.
She made us want to paw the ground
fetlocks glistening.
Smokey, Misty, Storm! Away!
Okay, bar's closed.
Gil?... (whistles)
Uh, Julia, your turn.
Oh. Uh...
Well, I've only known Roz a short time,
but I can see that she's a valuable member of this team.
And I'm sure you'll be missed.
Good luck.
Well said, well said. Uh...
(clears throat)
Roz...
I celebrate your new adventure with you.
But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say
that this is a big loss for me.
You were there on my very first day at KACL
and you took me under your wing.
It's crowded under there
(whispers): I will kill you.
I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed
to seeing somebody else in your booth.
And certainly no one else can ever take your place
in our hearts.
And while we welcome new friends,
we are sad to say good-bye to old ones.
Good luck, Roz
Hear, hear
Speech. Come on, Roz.
Speech, speech!
(clears throat)
Thanks, you guys.
I just love you all for doing this for me.
We really are like a family, aren't we?
You know, this job at KPXY
is a really great, great opportunity,
but it'll never be like this
Which is why I'm changing my mind.
I can't leave KACL. I'm staying.
Really?!
(cheering)
uh, we'd like to get two double lattes to go, please.
For an extra dollar, I can add a nip of brandy.
Is that on the menu?
It's on the secret menu.
I'll pass, thank you.
You know, Frasier, I feel so invigorated
to get back to my old job.
Oh, Roz...
In fact, I'd really like to record
some promos tonight, if you're available.
Oh, I can't.
I'm taking Julia to the movies.
One of my favorites: Noch Einen Stuhl.
Noch Einen Stuhl?
Yes. It's the story of a 19th-century Austrian family
as told from the point of view of an old fireside armchair.
I'm sorry, I dozed off.
What were you saying?
I've got to get an alternative newspaper
to check show times.
I'll be right back.
Here we are.
Oh...
(phone ringing)
Your phone's ringing.
Oh, it's not mine, it's Frasier's.
(ringing continues)
Ew! It's Julia.
Who's that?
Oh, this witch who'’s trying to get her hooks into Frasier.
I hate her.
I'll fix her.
Wh-Wh-What are you doing?
(sultry): ♪♪ Hello. ♪♪
Oh, I'm sorry.
Frasier's in no position to talk,
if you, uh, get my meaning.
Who is this, then?
Hold on.
Sweetheart, do you want to talk to a Julia?
(giggling): Oh, Frasier, put me down.
(both snickering)
Sorry, he's not here after all. Bye, now.
There. Problem solved.
You know, you probably ruined their entire evening.
How can I thank you?
Only one showing of Noch Einen Stuhltonight.
Got to go by the box office
and pick up the tickets.
Yes, I bet they're going fast.
Hello! Oh, sorry!
Wish we could join you guys.
I'm going to get tickets for Noch Einen Stuhl!
Cutting it a little close, aren't you?
Hey, Mum.
When you've finished your shift, we'll drive you home.
Really?
Are you sure it wouldn't give you more pleasure
to see me walk home on my bloody stumps?
Well, it would, but we're in a hurry.
We'll be here when you're ready.
Oh, Niles...
Oh...
Just think, one day, we'll have one of those.
Yes. Just one awkward chore
to get out of the way.
Well, that's romantic.
I meant asking your mother to move out.
We're not asking her, Niles.
We're telling her. I know. I know.
You have to be firm. Yes.
This is a woman who came for week
and stayed for a year and a half.
Yes, I know. I just think that...
It's not like she's got no place to go.
She's got seven other children!
I know
Plus, a home and friends in England.
Many friends, yes.
I just... I...
I just don't know how to break it to her.
Well, the sooner we do,
the sooner can start our own family.
You're right.
Do you realize, this time next year,
we could be sitting here with our own baby?
Baby?
What's this, then?
We'll talk about it later.
I want to talk about it now. What's going on?
Well, I was going to wait until later,
but if you really want to know, we...
Wait, wait, Daphne, Daphne ... (clears throat)
Oh, well, I'm glad you
I was beginning to think
there might be something wrong with your equipment, Niles.
Oh, were you?
Well, here's more news: You're out of the house,
so pack your bags and find another sucker.
Uh, excuse me,
could I get some service over here?
Keep your knickers on.
Don't move.
We're not done hashing this through.
♪♪ Hello. ♪♪
(suspiciously) : Hello.
♪♪ Hello. ♪♪
Say that again.
♪♪ Hello? ♪♪
Now say, "Frasier's in no position to talk,
if you get my meaning."
Now, it was all Roz's idea
I had no choice.
I'm not a well woman.
Hello, Roz.
Julia.
(shuts door)
I just talked to that waitress over at Nervosa.
The one that answered Frasier's phone.
She gave you up immediately.
(laughing): Relax.
It was just a joke.
Okay.
So, what's going on?
Do you have some sort of problem with me seeing Frasier?
Well, as long as you're asking...
I think you're all wrong for him.
That's not your call.
I think I know Frasier a little better than you.
So?
So...
he deserves someone better.
Someone who'll appreciate him.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Frasier's a good guy.
He's smart and sweet and way too good for you.
Why don't you just leave
Nobody here likes you, anyway.
Frasier seems to.
Well, he's an idiot.
Are you trying to save Frasier from me
or are you trying to save him for yourself?
Are you out of your mind?
You in love with him?
Go to hell, Julia.
That would explain why you turned down that great job
That is not true.
Then stay out of my way.
Or what?
Do you want to find out?
What, are you going to hit me or something?
Don't think I won't.
Well, you're sure taking your time.
Stay away from him.
Got it?
Get out of here!
Well, I guess this is good-bye.
Um, I just want you to know,
I love you both very much,
and I'm, you know, looking forward
to standing on my own two feet again.
Uh...
Thank you for the ticket, and the luggage
and the clothes and the spending money.
(gasping)
I'm sorry. This is just so sad.
Gertrude, are you sure you're okay--
Good-bye, Mum. Have a nice trip.
Say hello to everyone in Manchester for me.
Right, then.
Good-bye, Niles.
Good-bye.
I know you'll be a wonderful father
to my grandchild.
I hope you'’ll find time to send me a picture.
Well, can't we all just talk...
We have your address.
I'm off.
Bye.
(sighs)
Oh, Daphne, you were wonderful
I don't know how you did it
(sobbing)
Hold me, Niles.
(sobbing)
Hang on. Hang on.
Gertrude!
(sobbing): Yes?
Come here, come here.
Uh...
Would you be willing to stay in Seattle
if-if, say, you had your own apartment?
Oh, Niles...
Do you really mean that?
I mean, I don't want to intrude.
Well, of course I mean it.
And-And-And we'd even help with the rent.
Define "help."
We'll talk.
Well, then, it's settled
I'll just go tell the taxi I'm not going.
No, no, no, you're going
Just tell them to take you to the Four Seasons.
I'll go ahead and call and book you a room.
You've made me so happy, I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, come here... (Niles laughing)
Niles, I...
I don't know how to thank you.
I do.
Hey, Martin.
Hi, Roz. Come in.
Is Frasier here?
I really need to talk to him
No, he went out for dinner.
Oh, let me guess: Julia.
Wow. Not a fan, huh?
I can't stand her, actually.
(chuckling): Really!
Well, I just met her this evening,
but she seemed nice to me.
Well, that's because she's got you snowed.
She's a mean, snooty tight-ass
who thinks she's better than everybody else,
and Frasier's making a giant mistake,
and somebody's got to do something about it.
Well, good luck.
When Frasier's heart takes over, his brain shuts down.
That's why we have to do something now,
before this relationship gets any closer.
Will you help me?
Well, Roz, if you feel that strongly about it
sure, I'll back you up.
(door opening)
Oh, hi, guys.
MARTIN: Hi. Hi
Hi, Roz.
Hello, Roz. Nice to see you.
Julia.
Martin, I've brought you
some cake from the restaurant.
Restaurant cake!
Steady...
It's chocolate-- why don't I
cut you a slice and pour you some milk.
New plan.
I'll distract her while you talk to Frasier.
What's going on, Roz?
I didn't expect to see you tonight.
Well, um, I have something
really important to talk to you about,
and I really need you to listen to me.
Well, absolutely.
That's what I do.
I really, really, really think
you should stop seeing Julia.
Look, I know you two have your difficulties
No, it's not that.
She's all wrong for you.
I think I see what's going on here.
You and I have a close relationship
A new woman comes to the radio station,
she and I form a close relationship
and you feel threatened.
No. She's evil.
It's not your fault.
You can't see it because she puts on an act around you.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe
she's putting on an act for everybody else,
and maybe I see her as she really is?
Oh, she's got you totally brainwashed!
Roz, you have no right to come over here
and run her down to me.
It's really none of your business.
This is my business.
And why?
Because...
we're friends.
I can't believe you're turning on me like this!
I gave up a job that was ten times better
to stay on your show!
Yes, and frankly, I don't understand that!
Why, exactly, did you turn down that job?
Out of loyalty to you!
Loyalty to me! Are you sure?
Are you sure it wasn't just fear?
Are you sure you're not just using me as an excuse
not to grow and move on?
Who wants restaurant cake?
You're going to have to choose, Frasier.
You will not put me in this position, Roz.
We will discuss it later.
No! Tell me!
It's her or me!
Tell me now, or I swear to God,
I will walk out of here and I will not come back!
Thank you, Julia.
I think I will have some cake.
(weakly): Fine.
(door closes)
And this will be your office, Ms. Doyle
Make yourself at home.
Thank you, Mr. Wiswell
Uh, there's no chance
you'll change your mind again, is there?
No. KACL is ancient history.
Good.
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'’’ ♪♪
♪♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ ♪
Mercy!
♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged! ♪♪
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha !
♪♪ But I don'’’t k now what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salads ♪♪
♪♪ And scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They're callin' again ♪♪
Good night!